Older Writing

This page is solely dedicated to pieces I’ve written in the past. A few were written during early adulthood, although many of them were written during my formative teenage years and are thus filled with extreme dramatics. I’m sure you can remember those days. When everything was life-changing and oh-so-serious and we were just starting to figure out who we are. Who am I kidding, I’m still trying to figure out who I am. Pretty sure that’s just a part of being human, constantly adapting to what life throws our way will make change inevitable. But, I digress. Continue reading only if you want to fall into a rabbit hole of teenage angst and emotional rollercoasters. If you do, you might just discover what made me who I am today. Plus, who knows, maybe you’ll find something relatable within the words of my past selves.





My Crying Soul (2004)

My soul cries for lost love, that will never be found again,
My soul cries for friends, who have been betrayed,
My soul cries for peace, in a world where there is none,
My soul cries for acceptance, when there is none to give;
My Crying Soul . . . . .
My soul cries for the broken hearts of every little girl,
My soul cries for all the lost souls wandering this world,
My soul cries for hate, which brings death and destruction,
My soul cries for the lonely, who have nowhere to go;
My Crying Soul.

Rescue You (2006)

I wish I could take your pain away,
I want you to see the light of day,
You’re sorrow is clouding your view of the world,
It’s hard to see the truth unfurled,
I know you loved him with all your heart,
I’m sorry he tore your world apart,
If I could I would take you away,
To a place where the sun shines everyday,
So take my hand on this moonlit path,
We’ll walk together and forget the past,
Our broken hearts and shattered dreams,
Waking at night to each other’s screams,
I’ll hold you all through out the night,
Banishing all of your fears and frights,
Together we can make it through,
Cause no matter what, I’ll rescue you.

Waste Away (2006)

Drink deep that liquid poison,
Waste away into another world,
Cower away from the pains of life,
Ignore the trouble; ignore the strife,
Are you gonna let life pass you by,
Let it waste away as you sit and cry?
Breathe in that smoke; fly away,
Fade into another day,
Run for the hills; run far and fast,
Run from the pain and run from the past,
Drop your problems in the dirt,
Waste away into your own little world,
Simply swallow that intoxicating poison,
Let it all die away,
I’ll smile as you waste into another day

Rain and Memories (2006)

Sitting alone watching the pouring rain,
Listening to the thunder roar through the sky,
Seeing lightening strike way out in the distance,
Reminiscing the time when I’d be out there,
Running in the rain, splashing through the puddles,
Breaking free of my thoughts,
Flying, soaring through the heavens,
Allowing my imagination to take me away,
Listening to the wind rip through the forest,
Feel the cold-water drip down my face,
Memories of long lost tears intrude into my mind,
Of nights spent alone; crying for lost innocence,
I sit here on this old, tattered couch,
Remembering those times,
Wishing, yet not, that I could have them again,
But inside I know,
That is the past and this is the present,
Those days are long gone and never going to return,
Except as faint memories,
So now I sit here, dreaming, wondering,
What is the future going to bring?
The rain slows and the vicious winds calm,
Yet still I sit here, remembering.

A Child’s Murder (2007)

Mommy, why are you lying on the road,
Why are your hands so cold?
Why is there so much red stuff?
Why don’t you get up?

Mommy, why are your lips so blue?
And why is Daddy staring at you?
I see a tear fall from his eye,
Daddy’s crying…but why?

Why is Daddy staring at me,
Why did he say, “honey, forgive me please.”
Is that a gun in his hand,
Help me Mommy! I don’t understand!

Now Daddy’s just looking at me,
He says it’s time for us to be free,
Why is Daddy talking like this?
He leans down to give me one last kiss…

Now he’s aiming the gun at my head,
Soon, Mommy, both of us will be dead,
But it’s ok; we’ll be in God’s arms,
We’ll finally be free of harm.

The True Me (2007)

Trembling hands and quivering knees,
Reveal to you what you failed to see,
My weaknesses I had hid so well,
But my barriers crumbled and finally fell,
Breathe deep this one cigarette,
The intoxicating scent of my depression,
Dispose of the illusions that you once harbored,
Watch as the truth unfolds before you,
I’m not the woman you thought me to be,
But a pale imitation of whom I once was,
Discard what you thought you knew about me,
See my true self; collapsed at your feet,
Head lowered, eyes closed, tears falling freely,
I am not the strong, courageous girl that I led you to believe,
Just a pathetic, broken soul that will never again be free.

Can’t Control My Heart (2007)

It’s 4am, yet here I sit,
Waiting for my thoughts to quit,
Round and round they fly so free,
What caused you to do this to me?
I see you before me, so ethereal,
I try to touch you, but cannot feel,
The hole in my heart seems to grow,
With each line that I let flow,
The knife in my gut is twisting more,
With each piece that hits the floor,
My walls are crashing, I’m lashing out,
My love for you is beyond a doubt,
I wish it was fake, I wish I could hate,
Is this misery my only fate?
Why must you push the dagger so deep?
Can’t you see my life gathering at your feet?
I hate you for this; yet love you still,
I hate the pain; yet love the thrill,
What is pleasure without pain; pain without pleasure,
This is a question I shall not measure,
If I continue loving you, my soul will die,
Why must I insure my demise?
Your words pierce through me like shards of glass,
Everything seems to be happening so fast,
I need to get escape, from you and the pain,
I need to control my heart, it refuses to be tame,
I need to hate you for everything you said,
But I love you too much, though I’d rather be dead.

Sanctuary (2007)

Sitting on this high up perch,
City lights twinkling; so many stars on earth,
The beauty below me fuels the rage in my soul,
The pain and frustration destroys my control,
Screaming in agony; the memories return,
The anger in my heart continues to burn,
The walls I built; crumble and give way,
For the weakness to return; remembering that day,
Dropping to my knees; the colorful lights taunting,
Sobs wrack my body this realization daunting,
The strength; it fades as the truth is unfurled,
The only clear thing is you in my world,
No matter how weak I know that I am,
The pain will recede; just take my hand,
I’m broken; yes I know that’s true,
But that doesn’t change my love for you,
The anger, it fades into a love so pure,
You are my sanity; of this I am sure,
So hold me together as I fall apart,
Alas, awaken the love within my heart

A New Life With You (2007)

Walking hand in hand through this moonless night,
the darkness penetrated only by the light in our eyes,
blind, yet seeing so much,
our lonliness ends with just a simple touch,
stumbling and tripping over unexpected things,
eye locking, as together we spread our wings,
soaring high; our heart free at last,
we embrace the future and forget the past,
we land in a meadow; surrounded by life,
you take my hand and i become your wife,
hearts bound together in a love so true,
together we leave the dark and begin life anew.

Losing Time (2007)

Cage my heart and my evil thoughts,
prove that all I’ve done is for naught,
reject my ideals; ignore my beliefs,
continue living within a world so bleak,
differences; they become so few,
when one is afraid to begin anew,
passion begins to ebb away,
minutes fade to hours of long, endless days,
the world moves on but you stay in place,
life and vibrancy slowly fade from your face,
time soars by; but you’re stuck in the past,
praying for death to take you fast,
unbearable pain consumes your soul,
you want to be alone; you’ll never be whole,
looking in the mirror; you hate what you see,
you lock yourself in the past, never wanting to be free,
your fear of change doomed you from the start,
so now you’re free to rest your tired heart.

Dreams of You (2007)

Last night I dreamt of you and me,
Hand in hand lying under the trees,
I’d lift my head for a kiss so sweet,
You’d look at me and our eyes would meet,
My eyes drift closed as your lips brush mine,
I want you like this for the rest of time,
We stood and walked along the bank,
For this paradise, it’s you I thank,
I hear you whisper, “J’adore tu”
I softly say I love you too,
But something seems a little wrong,
I think a bit, but then you’re gone,
When I awake my fist is clenched,
And I finally remember; you never spoke French.

Without Me (2007)

Surrounding warmth,
love filled air,
choking me with deadly despair,
trembling; encased in the coldest of fears,
afraid for the souls of the ones I hold dear,
screaming and begging to be set free,
free from the burdens they’ve set upon me,
unknowingly they’ve doomed themselves to Hell,
if they’d only walk away; things would be well,
just let me cry into this cold, unfeeling tile,
don’t worry, you’ll forget me in awhile,
just live your lives like i was never there,
please, don’t shed a single tear,
just leave me and return to the light,
without me, I promise it’ll be alright.

Letting Go (2007)

Crawling through this field of glass,
Ripping and tearing as I try to move fast,
Crying into the night; his words piercing through me,
Screaming and begging for my life to cease,
Writhing in agony as my lungs collapse,
Fighting for a single breath, knowing it’s my last,
Pain recedes as my heart slows,
It’s time to give up the fight; I need to let go,
Numbness consumes my soul as my life slips away,
I pray to whoever’s above for just one last day,
I can’t leave those I love to face this world alone,
I won’t let them experience that pain on their own,
A sense of peace washes over me, and I realize they’ll be fine,
I can’t fight the inevitable; it’s simply my time,
My heart tries to beat, but there’s no blood left to flow,
My spirit soars into the sky as I finally let go.

My Fate (2008)

A piece of me gone; it stayed by your side,
Until the day when you’ll forever be mine,
An emptiness forms; missing your embrace,
Wanting to see the expresions flit across your face,
Your beautiful eyes; how I miss their light
Bringing new hope back into my life,
Your arms around me tight; never letting go,
My love for you shall never cease to flow,
These words I write don’t even begin to describe,
Everything I’ve felt since you’ve been by my side,
When my strength fails and I fall to the ground,
Feeling as if all my dreams have been drowned,
Through the darkness I see the hope that is you,
I reach for your hand and you pull me through,
Into your arms I fall as the tears rain down,
I look into your eyes; see the love that we found,
It gives me strength to move on and be strong,
Because in your arms is where I belong,
I don’t care how long I have to wait,
You and I together will forever be my fate.

Live, Laugh, Love, Cry (All I Want is to Die) (2008)

Walking, lost, through this field of gray,
Faceless voices, what’s that they say?
“Live, laugh, love, cry,
forget the pain; just let it die”,
Knives held by invisible hands,
Stabbing deep, this was not the plan!
Betrayal rings through soundless ears,
Sightless eyes release lonesome tears,
“Live, laugh, love, cry,”
What’s the point! All I want is to die!
Legs give out, the monsters swarm in,
Take what you want, just don’t let me live.
Claws rake deep, life pours out,
Alas, finally end my doubts.
“Live, laugh, love, cry.”
Silence! Now just let me die…

Lovers (2008)

Lovers entwined,
In body and in mind,
Hearts connected,
Feel their love projected,
Passionate words said,
No longer shall they pray for death,
Entrapped in each other’s eyes,
No more betrayals and no more lies,
Loving words said in their lover’s ear,
Whispered low so no one else can hear,
Arms locked in a tight embrace,
Gazes never straying from the others face,
A simple touch,
Will never be enough,
For these two lost souls,
Who make each other whole.

Rebirth of a Poet (2008)

These tired eyes,
they tell no lies,
for the darkness they’ve seen,
has clouded the truth,
they once beheld;

this tortured soul,
it holds no secrets,
for the pain it’s felt,
has caged the wisdom,
it once possessed;

this tattered heart,
it shows no love,
for the betrayal it’s been shown,
has shattered the trust,
it once gave freely,

this broken mind,
it holds no words,
for the games it’s played,
has shattered the knowledge,
it once strived to learn,

this battered body,
it holds no treasure,
for the hate it’s been shown,
has worn away the perfection,
it once yearned to behold,

with these eyes
that saw no light,
I discover the beauties,
the truth of the night witholds,

and with this soul,
I feed on its pain,
to set free its wisdom,
to heal lost souls,

with this heart,
I fill it with love,
to shower trust upon those,
that hope hath been denied,

and with this mind,
I write words of light,
with hope that dying poets,
might once again soar free,

with this body,
I strive to change,
this world of ruin,
with dreams of a new beginning.

Sin of Reality (2008)

Walking in a dream like state,
is this forever my only fate?
faces blurring, why can’t I see,
the blatant truth that’s staring at me,
Nothing’s as it seems, nothing is true,
the grass isn’t green, the sky isn’t blue,
hope is but feeble in this life full of let-downs,
a smile is really nothing but a frown,
happiness is a farce to hide the sadness within,
money’s just a way to give the rich bastards a grin,
taking everything for granted is the american’s way,
while there’s children in africa looking for something cold on a hot day,
war is but a way to give one a more superior feeling,
media tells us who to be, it’s our uniqueness they are stealing,
stereotypes are only a way for society to group us as one,
instead of taking the time to talk, they look at the style, then are done,
what you see around you, isn’t really what it seems,
there are lies and disguises everywhere, even in your dreams.

Old Dance, New Chance (2010)

The scratchy melody of pen over paper,
The whispered love song of pages turning,
My words, my soul, gone. For what reason?!
Tell me! Tell me! Why have you left!?

“Words, please tell me, what did I do to deserve this?”
“My dear poet, you gave up. You took us for granted.”
“But I didn’t mean to! I didn’t know!”
“Then strike me down from where I stand. For I am nothing without you.”

I can’t explain, can barely comprehend.
These thoughts, emotions, without a pen in my hand.
Rolling, turning, spinning in my mind.
What’s that? Who’s there!? FUCKING SHIT! I’m blind!

“Appreciate all of your gifts, poet, or more will be taken away.”
“Words? Is that you? Why did you take my eyes?!”
“To teach you a lesson. That nothing is guaranteed.
Your sight will return, when you truly learn to see.”

See? See what? What is there to see?
The ugliness of this world, the endless monstrosities? ..No.
The beauty. The love. The few kindnesses displayed.
A look below the surface, to the innocence in the shades.

“Do you see now, my lovely poet?”
“I see! I see! Only you can describe them adequately.”
“Now will you take us for granted? Will you use us, and throw us away?”
“Never again! Oh no! I’ve learned my lesson, that’s for sure!”

These words, they fill me. Build me. ARE me.
This pen, an extension, of my soul within.
So now, I take my leave, to reacquaint myself with this dance.
Thank you, my words, for giving me another chance.

Life’s Little Truths (2009)

Time drags on, things stay the same,
Life and vibrancy fade from your face,
Obstacles, though large, can always be passed,
Another year is ending, you better move fast,

Courage, resolve, to prove them wrong,
Invisible, alone, never part of the throng,
Dreams are ideas that don’t always come through,
But sometimes failing is what shows you the truth,

In order to stand, you must learn to crawl.
From the ground to the sky, to fly you must fall.
In order to grasp the star that you seek.
First you must learn how to be weak.

Because in this land of make-believe,
You can’t believe all that you see,
True happiness, it comes and goes,
Only those who’ve suffered will ever know.

That nothing in this world is free,
First you fail before you succeed,
To truly see, you must first be blind,
To truly live free, you must break your binds.

Defeated (For Now) (2011)

Pen in my hand,
Scattered paper around,
But nothing comes forth,
No words to astound.

I sit, and I sit….
Then I sit some more,
But the page remains blank,
Thought becomes a chore.

So I stand and I pace,
Back and forth, back and forth..
I give in, I give up!
It’s become a bore…

“You shall not have us!”
I imagine they say,
These evasive words…
Won’t come out to play.

My sword becomes dull,
No longer an instrument of light,
So I cast it aside,
Tomorrow, we shall fight…

Tomorrow comes and goes,
The sword lies alone,
Words celebrate their victory,
Over a fallen writer’s throne.

Though this battle was lost,
I’ll return one night,
To retake my throne,
In this never-ending fight.

Enlightened Heart (2012)

This empty room screams at me,
Of a love lost, struggling to be retrieved.
Spewing memories, both good…and bad.
Of best friends laughing, and lovers getting mad.
Imprinting visions of a shared life,
Working together, overcoming every strife.
Branding sensations of physical ecstasy,
Enveloping our minds in blissful serenity,
Teasing with images of passion uncontrolled,
Taunting the embers of flames gone cold.
So I’ll strike the match and fan the smoke,
Speak the words I should have spoke,
Douse our fears with the waters of trust,
Rebuild our love from this pile of dust,
Grab your heart and hold it tight,
Protect it’s purity with all my might,
Do what should have already been done,
Only with sacrifice are true battles won.

Waiting to Dance (2012)

The music drifts around the room,
Harmonizing with the rasp of our shoes.
Sliding forward, then back, right, and then left,
Circling, dodging, as we mirror each other’s moves.

The guitar strums deep in our minds,
Echoing the desire in both of our hearts,
Both? Only one. We are but one person,
One split so suddenly into two separate parts.

So we dance, and we twirl, around and around,
Never touching, only brushing, yet never surrendering,
Leaping, soaring, flipping through the air,
You refuse to submit, and I can’t stop remembering.

The music rises as our motions quicken,
Faster and faster you twist and you whirl,
So close you come, but still so untouchable,
I reach and I grasp, stopping your swirl.

Clutching your shoulders, I shake and I scream,
“You’re mine! You’re me! Why did you leave?!”
My emotions, imagination, innocence and words,
“You needed to accept, you needed a reprieve”

Collapsing, I weep, “From what? From who?”,
A shake of your head and you’re down on your knees,
“From me. From you. You simply couldn’t continue”
“The fire in your heart needed time to ease”

I stand, as a tear falls from my eye,
“For five years? You lie! You abandoned me!”
Your hand held out, halts my tirade,
“You’re still so blind, just try to see!”

So I pause, and I look five years in the past,
A 15 year old me is struggling to breathe,
So she writes, and she writes, and she thinks she’s alright,
But she lies, she’s simply numb while subconsciously she seethes.

Time goes on, places change, but she remains the same,
Living, but not, simply going through the motions,
A smiling empty soul, so ignorant of herself,
She thinks she feels love, but there’s no real emotions.

Coming back to myself, I look around blankly,
“You buried yourself in your lies and your pain”
“You refused to live, so I took back what I gave”
“Your words could no longer have free reign.”

My mind is spinning, thoughts colliding,
Whirling and circling, mimicking our dance,
Fighting for supremacy, retreating simultaneously,
My emotions kept in a long held trance.

I gaze into your..MY eyes, as I speak my words,
“When you took my words, you took my life”
“Who I was, and who I prided myself on being”
“You took my release and left me nothing by strife!”

Shaking your head vehemently, you exclaim,
“I took your lies! Your shield! I didn’t take who YOU were!”
Breathing in..and out, you shake your head disappointedly,
And I know…that soon, the past will recur.

Crashing to my knees, I beg and I plead,
But you’re already gone, only a fleeting whisper remains,
“Last chance, you MUST learn, or I’ll never return.”
“Write now, think, and break free of your chains.”

So here I’ve stayed, and I write, but nothing ever changes,
The chains on my words continue abrading my mind,
Still I fight, and I push, till pen at last touches paper.
But nonetheless, and no matter what, I still remain blind.

And so I wait as the song starts to play again…

(Un)Intentional Deafness (2012)

Oh my words, my dear words, is it true?
Am I hopelessly, and irrevocably deaf to you?
Do you speak…are you screaming in my mind?
Are you in front of my face, but I’m irreversibly blind?
This numbness I feel, could it be self inflicted?
A subconscious attempt to change the future predicted?
A future saturated with lies and delusional hopes.
Just an innovative way for my mind to cope?
An effort to deny the reality in my face?
A fruitless endeavor to conceal my disgrace?
Could it be, could it be….that I’ve plugged my own ears?
That the cowardice in my heart made me cringe from my fears?
Well I’m here, and I’m listening, my eyes, unobstructed,
So speak to me now, before I’m corrupted,
By my own illusions and the desires I bear,
For a life sans worries and endless despair.
A world where my past has no weight in my future.
Where my inadequacies matter naught, and betrayals are fewer.
A simplistic life…that is all I require.
But I fear, before then, is when I’ll expire.

Necessary Punishment (2013)

My true reflection is staring back at me,
Showing everyone my depravity.
The fear I feel for the lies I’ve told,
Forcing the glass to crack and fold.

Cowardice is a disgraceful thing,
Yet courage…oh how it stings.
The hearts of the few that I hold dear.
So I’ll sentence myself to a world of fear.

A puppet, a toy, it’s all I’m worth.
No knight in armor is coming forth.
And why would one? For me? Please.
My life is less than a passing breeze.

So it’s time I become what I always was,
Fuck the why, and fuck the cause.
I’m done. Worn out. It’s time to leave.
So fuck off and forget about me.

Self-Cleaning (2013)

Despair…despair. Such a depressing word.
Cuts through flesh like a sharpened sword.
And mine’s in tatters lying on the floor.
I’m done. I’m dead. Now let me mourn.

The loss of myself and who I could be.
The acceptance of what others set out for me.
My inability to take my leave,
Because I can’t hurt others, so I’ll just hurt…me.

I’m a lie. I’m a fake. A selfish wraith.
Not the woman I dreamt of, a woman with faith.
In love. In life. In truth or in fate.
So now it’s time to clean this slate.

Slave to Cowardice (2013)

When you’re forced into anonymity,
Your soul becomes an amputee,
You’re stuck with your depravity,
You cringe at the thought of being free…

Honesty…it frightens you.
Truth can’t live where falsehoods grew,
You can’t recall the lies you spewed,
Your cowardice? …It’s a hidden tattoo.

So you strike the match and fan the smoke,
Can’t speak the words you should have spoke,
You try to breathe but only choke.
Your mind is dying, spirit broke.

So lock your chains and lose the key,
Release control and be at “peace”,
You are not the honoree,
Now face your Master on bended knee.

Reckless Temptations (2013)

Desperate times call for desperate measures,
Cracked minds yearn for forsaken pleasures,
Reckless endeavors to ease one’s disgrace,
A deadly attempt to merely erase..
A life full of lies and shameless deceit.
A heart encased in chipping concrete,
A mind so lost in its own perdition,
A body awakened by cruel temptations.
The desire to feel your flesh rent asunder,
At the hands of a Sadist with a tendency to “blunder”,
Death is as sure as the moon in the sky,
So face the world and bid it goodbye.

How Long? (2013)

Preach for a day, preach for a mile,
Then try to walk that path for awhile.
One step, two steps, three steps…four.
Unable to continue, your heart is sore,
“Do as I say, not as I do”,
This hypocrisy is new to you,
Your cowardice that controls your life,
Unwilling to cause your lover strife,
Guilt, it eats from deep inside,
Tearing down the walls where you hide,
You love, you care. Yes, that’s true,
But your selfishness is showing through,
The childishness that you tried to disguise,
Beneath a mask, pretending to be wise,
Your inability to try to change,
To be attentive in an even exchange,
Your laziness that you tried to deny,
Your lack of will to even try,
The feeling that something broke in your mind,
The constant sensation of being confined,
Your inexperience doomed you from the start,
You tried to deny it, but it fell apart,
The life you envisioned is changing each day,
Adapting to obstacles placed in your way,
Each one tweaking the way that you think,
Your heart and mind refusing to sync,
One says left, the other says right,
Making you ask, “Should I even fight?”,
The future is unclear; happiness, unsure,
How much more can either of you endure?
Love can’t live where distrust grew,
How long until he gives up on you?

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